when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
