My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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