I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
