hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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