I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
