Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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