I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
