So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
