I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Farmville is her only friend.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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