I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
