JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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