So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
