Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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