He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Randomize
