he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
