and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
