god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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