We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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