he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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