Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
