it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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