I wannas sexs uuuuu
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
