i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
