12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
