I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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