I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
