You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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