The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
