I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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