So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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