So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
