I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize