She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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