i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
