I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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