sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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