So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
