Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize