the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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