Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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