Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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