you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
