Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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