i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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