I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
