literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
and she was petting her beer can
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
