oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
