There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
