My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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