my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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