Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
