I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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