dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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