yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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